Torah Thoughts
Vayishlah Genesis 37:1 – 40:23
16 Kislev 5769 December 13, 2008
Have you ever been frightened of the repercussions of something you did? Really, really scared that something you did would lead to total disaster for you; not immediate disaster, but one at a much later time? What was it? What were the potential consequences you were so afraid of?
In this week’s Torah portion, Jacob is scared beyond belief at the prospect of returning home to his parents’ house more than 20 years after he left. He’s scared because last he heard, his father Isaac was dying, his twin Esau was ready to kill him, and just about everyone was angry at him for tricking Isaac into blessing the “wrong” son. He hasn’t written, not a phone call, no e-mail, nothing. If you went back to your mother after all that time not calling, you’d be scared, too!
But Jacob left Canaan and the family with absolutely nothing. He’s coming back in this week’s Torah portion with flocks and herds, money, and most importantly, with family of his own: 2 wives, 2 concubines, 11 sons, Dinah and any other unmentioned daughters. The consequences of his actions all those years ago could wipe out everything that was important to him now, everyone he loved. If you faced such circumstances, you’d panic too!
So with all this fear, panic and worry on his mind, Jacob sends his family ahead of him, sends all of his possessions ahead of him, and he is left alone, just like when he started. Alone, Jacob wrestles with a man (or a messenger from G!d) until nearly daybreak. Jacob struggles with this stranger, until the stranger wrenches Jacob’s hip almost out of its socket, and Jacob still doesn’t let him go. He holds onto the messenger, who is causing him intense pain, and Jacob demands a blessing from him. Jacob’s name is changed to Israel, because he wrestled with a divine being. (Israel means wrestles/struggles with G!d.)
Who is this stranger? Is it an angel? Is it G!d? Is it a devil? One thing is certain: it can’t survive in the day light. All of us struggle with our own demons, many of us at night. Yet even when we are struggling with demons, many of us are like Jacob, we hold right on to the very things with which we are struggling. We hold on to the anger, the fear, the resentments that we know plague us and give us no rest. We hold on to that which we should probably let go.
Maybe the lesson is to find a way to turn the struggle we’re holding into a blessing for us, to find the blessing within the struggle. We need to know that something good will come out of the struggle, just like the blessing Jacob receives. The key to letting go of our fears, to letting go of the struggles, can be found in the blessings hidden within. Jacob’s blessing is in finally coming to a personal relationship with G!d, finally getting to know, experience and relate to his own G!d.
When Jacob set out on his journey, lo those many years ago, he had a dream on the road in which he saw a ladder with angels or messengers going up and down the ladder. In that dream, G!d spoke as “the G!d of Abraham and the G!d of Isaac.” But the text in that story didn’t mention “the G!d of Jacob.” When Jacob woke up from that dream he said, “G!d was in this place and I, I did not know it.” What does that mean? It could mean he didn’t know G!d was there, or it could mean he didn’t know G!d, not in any meaningful way.
Now, after all these years, when Jacob finally heads home, realizing he has to reconcile with his brother Esau, Jacob has this second strange experience while he is just as alone as he was before. After holding onto the messenger, and demanding the blessing, Jacob says “I have seen G!d face to face, and my life is preserved.” As a result of this encounter, he now has a relationship with his own G!d. Later, he meets up with and reconciles with his brother. He builds an altar and calls it “El-Elohay Yisrael,” the G!d of Israel. Finally, G!d is not just the G!d of grandfather and father, but also the G!d of Israel, Jacob. The struggle through which he has gone led him to the blessing of finding his connection to G!d, his personal relationship with G!d. He has overcome his fears, wrenched blessings from them, and in the process, he has found G!d, holiness, redemption, hope. Perhaps that relationship with G!d is what led him to be able to face the thing he feared the most.
May it be Your will, Holy One, that as we struggle with and overcome our own fears and demons, we wrestle the blessings out of the struggle. May we follow in Jacob’s example, finding and receiving the blessings brought by the liberation from our own demons, and may we come to see Your Presence, right here with us, as we struggle through the journeys of our lives.
